Can't sleep

I can't sleep. After all the whining and complaining from me about how tired I always am and how I need to sleep more, I can't get my eyes to close and when I do close them, they shiver continuously because of all the thoughts rushing through my head.

I'm thinking about why I'm still thinking, though...I am still bothered by that awful comment I heard last night at work, but I am also thinking it's because of the awful noise Amelia and I keep hearing in our apartment. It's happened every night for the past 4 nights (except for tonight, of course), and it's absolutely terrifying. It sounds like a huge semi truck running into our apartment. You are probably thinking it sounds like a brick wall crashing. No. It's more of that engine rumbling behind your car on the highway when they're wanting to pass you when you're going to slow for them. Anyway, I know I shouldn't be scared of just a noise, but it's loud enough to wake us up when we're in deep sleep AND keep us up for fear it would happen again. I think that's partially why I'm still up: I'm afraid of hearing that noise. We've told the maintenance people twice, and the leasing office twice, and what has anyone done to help us? Diddly squat! Nothing. I mean, what're they supposed to do???

So Amelia and I stayed up one night to listen for it, and it sounds like the pipes or something that are connected to the people above us' shower, so whenever they come home at night to take one, the noise happens. That's pretty much the only reasonable explanation for it, honestly. Oh, and now my light is flickering. That definitely doesn't help this fear, haha.

Another reason I think I'm still awake is because of work. I have been waking up at 7-7:30am every morning, work until 12, eat lunch for a half hour or sometimes just work through lunch, and going home any time between 7:30-10pm. I haven't had much time to myself, and the time I have is spent relaxing to get ready to go to sleep! It's a vicious cycle. I wish I didn't have to work so much and I wish I had more time to spend doing things I want to do more of, like baking and cooking, maybe painting, jewelry making, writing, possibly get into reading, and do things I need to get done, like go to the dry cleaners, do my laundry, sort through my clothes to get rid of things to the Goodwill, clean my bathroom, etc. It's frustrating to work so much and then go home and not have any energy to do anything or see anyone.

That's another thing, too. I haven't really made many friends up here still. I've met lots of people, but they're also so busy and I feel awkward always being the one to initiate dinners, coffee dates, etc. I haven't talked to any of the new people I have met for a couple months now, and I think it's (a) because of the holidays, of course, but (b) because I haven't initiated anything with them. MINUS Srun. Srun is always asking me to do things with her and explore new things, like cooking classes making takoyaki and yakisoba, ha ha. I see her every day at work, though... I wish I had a friend that I was comfortable enough to just have over for dinner and fun enough to go out to get drinks after work. I have found nice people, people who like to eat lunch in Rosslyn throughout the week, and I have found people who like to drink. But I haven't found a friend yet that shares the same interests as me, have the same goals/outlook/morals...it's just hard to find.

It's comparable to people looking for love, I think. Finding that one person that I love wasn't difficult for me...but then again I lucked out and skipped the whole awkward first dates and the "who is going to pay for this expensive dinner??" conversations and the "I wonder what I need to wear or give him to impress him??" stuff. It was easy for him to ask me to be his girlfriend seven years ago: "Wanna go out?" Imagine if someone asked a girl out when they're in their 20's like that. And BTW: DUH I said "yea!" but we never really went out on a date for a while after. We both were broke, so we never really went anywhere, and the only things we did together for a while is ride together to/from school, sit together at lunch, talk on the phone, and maybe see each other here and there between classes. Ohhh, so simple!!

SO I apologize to all my future girl friends: I have failed to explain everything in regards to dating. I pretty much skipped all that stressful "omg omg omg" stuff that you dwell on all the time! "Courtney, did you kiss on your first date?" "Well, I'm not really exactly sure when our first date happened." "Courtney, when do you move past that awkward dating phase to being comfortable with them?" "I was always comfortable with Anthony...we were always good friends growing up." You see? Every question asked comes with no answer! Now, don't take this the wrong way. I AM SO HAPPY I skipped ALL of that stuff!

Wait, I think I went on a tangent. I apologize. Back to my friends. I wish I had a friend! When I am upset, I call Anthony. He's the one person who can motivate me to stop sobbing and think about something positive. When I need advice, I go to my Mom. She knows just what to say because she's probably been there, done that, and has a lot to say about some situations I've gone through. If I have a big idea about something, I usually go to Anthony too, or Lacey, because they both get really excited with me. If I need to talk about deep deep issues and frustrations, I go to my Dad. He listens and only says the necessary things here and there to really clear up my thoughts; he simplifies the confusing cloud hovering over my head. When I want to act silly or need a break from reality, I try and play with my nieces and nephews and when they're not around, I play with the dogs around me (because there's always one or two). They always seem to make me forget about every worry in my mind.

...Do you see the recurring theme, though? Family and my boyfriend, the ones I love the most, are the only ones really in my life right now (and my roommate, Amelia, who I have really gotten along really well here, but it's somewhat by default). Part of me is completely satisfied, completely happy, and completely confident that those are the only people I need. But the other part of me has always yearned for that one friend to call me their one friend and just be the person they go to and you go to them and never lose touch and never get bored when you're around each other.

That was my Maria, but when I moved, we sort of lost touch. She's not the kind of friend I would forget, and she's always the one I contact first when I hear news about the Bachelor, or when I hear some gossip about someone we went to Tech with. She texts me randomly too, but I wish she was a bigger part of my life like she was all throughout college. I think she will be later, though, because she's still in school and VERY VERY busy herself. We'll see.

In the meantime, I really need to be trying to close my eyes. Maybe tomorrow I can leave work on time. I think a few people I work with are going down to Continental (Rosslyn's only bar, but it's a fun with good happy hours) for a drink after work, so I want to join them. Then I will need to come home and do some laundry because I don't have any clean underwear! (TMI? Nobody reads this anyway, so I don't think I have anything to worry about, ha ha.)

Wish me luck :)